2016

Was it really in 2015 that I last updated?

That's really quite pathetic, isn't it.

I've gone to work now. Full-time job, where I interned at. It's been an interesting and painful ride, but a ride I'll look back on and be thankful that I took. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, and I don't know what to do or where to go but for now, I'm here. And I want to be here 100%.

That's tough - trying to be here 100%. Many times I'm not. Many times, I'm at best 80% here. The other 20%? Trying to struggle to keep up, I guess.

I'm very confused a lot. I often think about what I want to do after this job, but I don't know. I don't know what to do, or where to go, or how to think, and then I just stay here. What if I stay here forever? What if I'll never find a place where I want to be 100% at? That scares the crap out of me. It really does. I never want to live my life only at 80%, and just float through it and then find that I'm 60 years old and full of regrets.

I'm only 20 years old, but I already have a long list of regrets and sad stories. I wish it didn't have to be like that. I wish that I was more positive, and have high hopes for the future and many times, I keep telling people that but I genuinely don't believe it. I don't believe that I can have a bright future. I don't believe that I'll find true happiness. I don't believe that I will find my happy ending.

But at the same time, I don't know what to believe.