I feel awful that I have not been updating.
I started this blog because I wanted a space to vent, to tell all, to jot down memories (Both significant, and non-significant) but now its become a place I go to only when I want to procrastinate on my work.
That's not good at all, is it?
The last time I updated was the day before the start of my internship. Holy cow, it's been about 3 months, or maybe even slightly more.
A lot has happened in the past few months. I've met a lot of people, faced a lot of new situations. The world is as harsh and cruel as I believed it to be. It's as immature as I expected, and maybe a little more.
Some things still remain constant, though. For example, my feelings towards my cell group.
It's funny. I wrote this whole rant about my feelings toward them but after a few weeks of publishing it, I felt like a coward and then I deleted it. But I still feel the same way. Nothing has changed. I don't know if it will ever change. Or maybe it will, for the worst. No one seems to want to try to resolve it.... And I'm done feeling worried about everybody. There's only so much you can take before you realize that you don't actually belong here.
Perhaps the problem is me. It seems that everyone gets along with each other.... Except for me. I'm the problem.
Perhaps I always have. Not just in cell, but in everywhere else. In family, friends.... It's all the same. I do not belong.
I have always felt that way... That perhaps people are just being polite. That I am also just being polite. Nothing feels right though. I can laugh, talk, smile but I'll never feel comfortable.
Comfort. What a funny word. It's funny to me because I don't think I have ever felt it while I'm here. I don't feel comfortable in any kind of setting here. Maybe I should just leave. Everyone seems to be able to, except for me. I want to, though - leave. I want to leave. I need to leave. I need to find my comfort. I don't even know where that is. But I know it's not here.
Will I ever find my comfort?
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