Strange Transitions

So it's 2015 and we have just released sign up forms for the 2015 exco for my CCA.
How strange... It has been a year and exactly a year ago, I was put in a position where I was nervous about signing up and hesitating. I was honestly nearly not going to sign up. And now, a year later, I will be stepping down as President of Stage 52 in about a month or so.

Strange how the world works.

I never thought of myself as a leader. I don't think that anybody growing up really thought of me being a leader either. I was never really put in any position of significance growing up but when I entered poly, I found myself being thrusted in leadership roles in church, in school, in CCA... I was totally not prepared for any of this but here we are, 3 years later and about to step down from probably one of the most prominent leadership roles I've ever taken on in my life (still screaming on the inside).

I guess.... I would say how strange of a transition this is because this is going to be my first year CCA-less in school but also my last year in school. IN ACTUAL SCHOOL.
How weird is that?
I'm going to be graduating in a year. By then, I would have stopped having a CCA, finished all my exams (and hopefully passed them), gone through my electives and gone through an internship.

It's crazy how fast everything is going.

I'm also really scared. Like, the more I think about it, the more I actually physically tremble. I tremble at the thought of my CCA being passed down; I tremble at the thought that I would have become an official alumni of Stage 52 and not a current member anymore; I tremble at the thought of going for interviews and trying to secure an internship for myself; I tremble at the thought of graduating and then having to figure out what's next in my life because the truth is:

I am not ready.

I am not ready to walk past the doors of Ngee Ann and then never having to go back in again. I am not ready to say 'ok what's next' because I don't know what is next. 

I guess 2:23AM on the day you have to take your BBT test makes you a reflective person (or I'm just procrastinating on the revision) because I've started to feel rather down.

These past 2 months I have found myself constantly pulling at my hair and freaking out because the future is so uncertain. I don't know where I'll be a year from now, I don't know what I'll be doing 2, 5, 10 years from now.

What kind of person would I be? 

I don't know.

The answer to everything right now is: I don't know, I'm scared, and I DON'T KNOW. 

I've started to get mini panic attacks when I'm alone now. I start to tear up, taking rapid short breaths and I feel my heart and head hurting. Everything is starting to pile up inside of me and I'm almost certain it's going to spill over soon.

Strange.