Frosted Glass: A Monologue

The most deceptive person I know is probably me: Who people look at; whom I try to believe I am; and who I actually am.

It doesn’t take a genius to realize what a piece of work I can be. Trying to decipher myself is like trying to find a needle amongst other needles: You really don’t know what you’re looking for.

Correction: I really don’t know what I’m looking for. 

It suddenly becomes a multiple-choice test.

Is she a) outgoing because that’s how she is?

b) Outgoing because she is actually so insecure that she believes that is the only way to survive, or

c) Outgoing because she wants to believe she’s an extrovert, but really she herself can’t tell if she’s lying?

Lying is supposed to be a sin, but is it really lying if the liar herself doesn’t know that she’s lying?

Smile. Laugh. Talk. What if… I do all this things because if I don’t, I’ll probably realize how empty my shell actually is. What if I do all these things because in reality, I’m just a scared little child, not ready to face the truth about myself?

If I keep telling myself that I am who I think I am, do you think I will eventually end up that way? Or will it have the opposite effect and I become so torn up and confused that I end up shattered into tiny little pieces instead?

My brain hurts.

It hurts from trying to decipher what is actually happening to me, and who I really am.

It hurts from trying to figure out if I am trying to ignore the pain, or just so disillusioned about life that I don’t realize the pain is actually there?

Everything is so unclear right now. Like frosted glass, I cannot see clearly. I cannot think clearly. I cannot, I cannot, I cannot.

I look into the mirror and say to myself: Be truthful to yourself, so that you can finally find peace within yourself but my reflection tells me: What do you know about truth? You’ve been lying to yourself for so long now that you don’t even know what the truth is anymore!

And my reflection is right. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. I have no idea how to face reality anymore and so I have wrapped myself in a completely false being and trying to force myself into morphing into that… thing.

Maybe… Maybe there’s another option in that multiple-choice test:

d) None of the above, and all of the above.

Written by Natalie Low