I miss my grandmother.

I haven't updated in a long time because school has just been so busy, I barely find time to breathe.

I need to blog, it's been too long and something has happened.

My grandmother passed away.

I know that death is inevitable and we all are going to go someday but it just doesn't feel real until it actually happens.
It's not like I didn't know it was going to happen. She was very sick the past 2 years and I just had this feeling in my gut that I had to prepare to say goodbye but I refused to believe so.
I would always tell myself that she's going to be at my wedding and I am going to give her great-grandkids and she's going to carry them and be so happy but it didn't happen. She left too early.

4 years ago, my cousin got married. She was the very first one in our generation to get married. The glow on my grandmother's face still stays in my head because it is the same glow she had when she got her first great-grandchild. I am so glad that she managed to watch one great-grandchild grow up. Albeit not long, but still she got a chance to watch for a while.

Growing up, I took family for granted. I took for granted of the fact that my family (my entire family includes my aunties, uncles, grandparents, cousins) would meet up for dinner at least once a week. I took for granted that my grandmother would cook 5-6 dishes for over 30 people every week and they all tasted so amazing. Her soups cannot compare.
This week, we headed over to my aunt's house for the first time since my grandmother passed away last week and it felt so different.

I didn't greet my grandmother.

I could not greet my grandmother.

I could not greet my grandmother because she wasn't there.

She wasn't there and I felt so empty. It really hurts to miss somebody. To be used to knowing that she was there every week for me to say hello to, and to smile to and to talk to for 18 years of your life and then suddenly she's not there anymore.

I know 81 years is a long time and my Ah Ma has lived a very long life filled with many ups and downs. She is so strong. When you have 7 children and over 12 grandchildren grieving over you on your deathbed, you know you did something right to keep this family together for so long.

Before I went to primary school, I had no idea that other families didn't meet their external family as often as we did. I thought that everyone had a huge family. Of course, I was wrong and when I found that out, I realised how grateful I was to have this huge family. This huge family who BELIEVED in family and love and faith and trust (and pixie dust. No, not really, sorry, I was trying to lighten the mood.) and could talk to each other and hang out all the time without it being awkward or anything.

Then I realised that it was really all thanks to my Ah Ma. She really was the pillar of our family. She still is. She got us all to come together for dinner at least once a week, and every time there was a public holiday, we would meet up for meals as well.

I know my family really was a family and I am so thankful for that.

I really do miss my grandmother. I miss her telling me to not eat rojak because it makes my skin go bad. I miss her telling me to eat more even though I tell her I am already very full. I miss her smiling at me when I don't know what to say to her because I'm so awkward sometimes. I miss her so much.

She has done so much for each family member when they all shared their stories during the wake last week. She plays such a huge and essential role in our family, you wouldn't even believe it. She was the one who taught us all to be loving, kind and accepting people who could welcome anybody. She made sure that we were all warm-hearted, and we are not prejudiced against anybody but we accept everybody and we love them for who they are.
She's the one who made sure we were all well-fed and healthy. That we were all happy.
I shared this last week at the wake but it still stays so clearly in my head.
I fight with my father all the time. We have horrible arguments and then we don't speak to each other for days. Once my grandmother knows that (she will know since we go to her house every week), she will not say anything until just before we leave and then she will come to me and say that she's already scolded my dad for me and that I don't have to be mad at him anymore. She does that all the time, even though I know that it was my fault and I should be the one who should apologise to my dad and my dad didn't deserve to be nagged at but she did it anyway. She did it to make sure that my dad and I didn't make the arguments too serious. She did it for our family. She did it out of love and I am so grateful for her.

I am going to miss her so much even though I know she's free from pain and she's in a better place now. I am going to miss seeing her every week. I am going to miss her so much. It really hurts to know that she's really gone from this world. It really hurts that she won't be able to hold my children, her future great-grandchildren. She won't be able to witness me getting married.

For the past 2 years, before we left my Ah Ma's house, I would kiss her goodbye. Except I would never ever say goodbye but I would say goodnight because goodbye felt too final and I didn't want to say goodbye to her because it was never a goodbye. I would see her next week. But when I stood on her deathbed and we were all saying our final farewells, I kissed her forehead and I said goodbye. I had to say the final goodbye. And it hurt. It hurt so much to say goodbye. It still hurts thinking about it.

I know that I say I'm fine, and I am because I know she's with the Lord now. But I will never stop grieving. I will never stop missing her. I'm probably still going to stay in my room and cry alone by myself sometimes because I miss her so much. My heart still hurts. But I keep telling myself that I will live my life for her. For my family. Because my family is so important.

I miss you, Ah Ma. I miss you so much. I hope you're doing alright up there. I will see you soon.