A Little Sad, A Little Out of Place

These few weeks have been a little sad for me.
Not in school, in church.

It's strange, isn't it. Church would be the last place I thought I would feel out of place but perhaps not church itself, but the people I'm with in church.
I'm talking about my cell group, if you haven't pieced the puzzle together yet.

I guess... I've been feeling out of place because I feel like everybody's slowly drifting apart. We used to be pretty close, like we could talk to each other and whatnot but these days, it feels like everyone is so unwilling to come for cell group, and even if they do come, their heart just isn't in it anymore.

I know, I know, it's really just supposed to be about God and it seems like I'm acting petty but honestly, what happened to helping one another out? Accountability? It clearly doesn't mean anything to you, or you, or you.

It frustrates me to see that the promise we made about updating each other about our lives and helping each other's journey with God is definitely not going to be fulfilled if everyone continues acting this way.

What, are you too cool for church now? Too busy? Well, I apologise that the activities you have in your secular life are placed in a much higher priority than church or, you know, cell group.

Perhaps you don't see the importance in a cell group because you don't see the point in hanging out with a bunch of us and maybe you just don't find cell group useful. The 'holy' part of it just wastes your time and you could be spending your Saturday doing something WAAYY more important.

I apologize for being a waste of your time.

Cell group is supposed to be a more informal way to talking about the Word and just keeping each other in check but that doesn't happen anymore. The cell group I used to look forward to going to is now this awkward atmosphere with little people with no heart in it at all.

It's so frustrating to see because we are all growing up and experiencing new things and I always wanted to tell you guys things and keep y'all updated so that I knew who I could turn to in times of trouble and I thought I could trust that you guys would be there for me but now it's different. I don't like telling you guys things anymore because I'm getting way less back. I don't know ANYTHING about your lives and whatever troubles you guys are in because YOU GUYS DON'T RESPOND.
I thought I could trust that you guys would be there. I mean, I'm turning 18 and I'm so scared about the future but you guys could care less.
Every time I try to get you guys to talk, it never works and now I just want to give up.
I really want to give up because I'm so sick and tired of seeing this one-way conversation. Everything's dying and nothing is working.
I don't want to be in a cell group that doesn't work.

I'm sick and tired of this but I don't want to turn away from God but you guys are making me trust the church less and less now and it makes me so angry and frustrated and upset because church used to be the place where I could always go whenever school was making me upset but now I don't feel the need to go to church because I can turn to God at home and I know He's always going to be there for me, and I'd rather worship by myself at home than be surrounded by people who make church a sad place for me.

It doesn't feel right, and I hate it.
I hate what everyone's turning into.
I hate what I'm turning into.

Hate is a sin, but I can't seem to stop hating.
I can't do anything about this and this makes me very upset.
I don't EVEN NEED TO BE UPSET ABOUT THIS.

How frustrating.