2018 is Ending Soon-ish...?

Man oh man, time flies.

So updating this blog again...

Since my travels, I found myself pretty damn broke so I got myself a job working as a barista at CBTL  and got to learning how to make drinks. Figured it would be a nice new skill that might maybe come in handy in the future?

Also, I talked to my parents and convinced them to let me attend drama school, so I auditioned and got into the school of my choice!!! AGAIN, GOD IS GOOD.

So now, I'm in the midst of applying for my visa and whatnot, and thank God for the agent that is helping me get through all of this because there's really so much work to be done.

Anyway, that means I'm moving to the land of the Koalas (at first this said Kangaroos, but I personally find Koalas more adorable) next February, and I'm honestly really excited about it but at the same time, the closer the date gets, the more freaked out I am kinda getting cause that means I will seriously, truly be alone. And that's just absolutely bewildering. You really don't realize how much you've taken the time you've had with your parents for granted until the time really comes for you to leave them. And I think especially because of the past that I've had with my parents, all the more I realized that we've lost so much precious time over the years over the craziest shit and now, I won't be near them.

I also have this huge fear of having to lose them before I am ready. I just really don't want to be away from them without having that moment of love and reconciliation with them. I really dread the day that I have to lose them... I'm just not ready for that. I really am not. Sometimes they go out too late, and I get really nervous and scared. Perhaps it's the Hypodermic Needle theory coming into play here, but I'm really afraid of receiving a call of bad news about any of my parents, my grandparents, etc. The concept of death is no stranger to me, but yet still, I tremble at the thought of it. I think maybe because I still have so many questions that need to be answered, and things from God I need to hear and be assured of.

I am definitely excited to start a new chapter, something that I can be pushed at doing and be challenged mentally... it's been a long time since that has happened. I guess all in all, I am just conflicted. I know it's going to be a struggle moving away from a place you've grown up your whole life (all 22 years of it!) and getting used to a new place and being alone. I'm just thankful for technology being so advanced that my parents are just a phone call away. I also want to Facetime my grandparents, and family while I'm at it.

Hmm so anyway, the year is kinda coming to a close, we're halfway through November, and that's really strange to me. I just keep thinking about 2018 and what it's really been about for me. I guess it was really a time of awakening, and getting things in order in my life. It was about not being wishy-washy and deciding to advance my life, despite the fears of the future.

I've definitely grown, and am still growing, and there's still a lot of me that I want to improve on. Particularly my walk with God.

I know that I say this every single time, and it is definitely a constant struggle for me - to do my best to discipline myself and do QT every day, and be able to listen for God's voice. I really do want to do this, and I know that it's only me that is stopping myself from doing that, and building on that relationship with God. I know it's absolutely no use for me to constantly whine, then do nothing about it. I really need to get on this. I really do. I really want to pray earnestly, and faithfully, and be open to hearing what God has in store for me. I don't want to fear my future, but embrace it, so long as I know this is the path that God wants me on.

Here's to more.

Travels

As I'm writing this, I'm sat at Incheon Airport in South Korea, ready to board a flight to go back home to Singapore after a whirlwind 12 days here. This trip marks the end of my crazy 5-country travel over the past 3 months. 

The last time I updated this blog, I became unemployed. Since then, I started making plans for myself. Plans in terms of travel, my future, my career. So maybe let's go with a timeline.

May: Bangkok 

XL was in Bangkok filming the new season of her show, and was staying in a beautiful apartment which was huge, so she offered a place for me to stay if I went over to visit and so I did. I booked a 3 day 2 night trip to Bangkok, barely packed anything, and then went over. It was kinda immediately after I left my job, and I felt like I really needed that break. SO was also coming over, so we coordinated our timings to go over around the same time, me heading over the morning of the Thursday, and her landing on Thursday night. I flew back on Saturday afternoon, and she left on the Sunday afternoon. It was fun going back to a place of familiarity. I went cafe hopping on the first day while XL went to work and I continued ticking off the cafe list I created at least 6 years ago. Maybe I'll make a separate post about the cafes I've been to in the future. Afterwards, went for dinner with XL and then walked around until SO arrived. The next day, we went for fancy brunch, followed by a luxurious massage at my fave massage spot. At night, we went to queue for this famous supper place. We got a number, then we were hesitant if we wanted to queue so long, so we headed to Chinatown but it was so boring so we tuktuk-ed back to the place and lo and behold, our number was next! We didn't have to wait in the queue at ALL GOD BLESS. The next day was pretty chill, we went to Terminal 21 and had lunch and dessert before I took the train to the airport and went back home. 

After coming back home, I started working with SB on stuff for the church and she is giving some allowance for helping her with weekly duties and whatnot so that's nice. I've been doing that for a while now, and it's easy stuff that I can do from home so that's nice. 

June: Malaysia, China, the United Kingdom

So June was pretty hectic. We had our church camp in Malaysia (as usual) in the first week of June, so we went over. At first, when I still had a job, I wasn't supposed to go but now that I was unemployed, I could go and honestly, it was just a blessing in disguise because I am so glad that I managed to go in the end. I got to chill with the cell, and create new memories. I got to listen to Pastor J preach again, which was nice. He was always really good at speaking and making you listen and breaking things down that would be simple enough for you to understand. The last night was us in B & N's room, playing random games and HTHT-ing and then we went down to 7-11 at like 2am, after a night of karaoke-ing with some of the usual suspects to get supper and ate it in their room until like 4am? Then went to my room to sleep. Before that though, while we were on the way up to their room, I said I wanted to stop by my room to get some stuff, and I couldn't find my card key in my bag, so we were searching for it, and S offered to hold onto my phone, which was plugged into my portable charger, which was in my bag, and then the lift door refused to stay open so it closed with my wire stuck in between and then it went up AND BROKE MY WIRE. So, there was that. It was a glorious sight. We all almost hyperventilated from laughing so hard from it. 

After church camp, we went home and had 1 day to pack for Shanghai. We were going to visit PY jiejie and family whilst also enjoying a lil family vacay. It was pretty stressful trying to navigate and translate for the family throughout the trip, but it was overall pretty enjoyable trip and I really enjoyed Shanghai. I think I would have fell in love with the place if it wasn't for the people to be honest. It was good to be with family again, and just exploring a new place, with new food and culture. I might get into more detail of each travel experience in separate posts because this might end up too long. 

We came back from Shanghai, and had less than 24 hours in Singapore before the Mum and I were to leave for the UK. She was going for a business trip, and I was tagging along. It was actually so much fun, and I really really miss it a lot. I think my mum saw it as the last real time that she and I could spend time together alone so I think this trip meant a lot to her, as much as it did to me I hope. We got to see more of England, rather than just London. We stayed in Royal Leamington Spa, and I also went to Stratford-Upon-Avon, Cardiff, and went up to Edinburgh in Scotland to visit J & family for a couple days. It was overall just such a wonderful experience. I also got to catch up with S in Edinburgh for a night and I really treasured the whole time there. I miss it a lot. I really do. I also made friends with some of mum's colleagues whilst being here. 

July: South Korea

Started July in Singapore, and ended the month in South Korea. YN, M, and N were all here for summer school, and since V was here too, I decided why not take a trip up here. I had about 2 1/2 weeks back in Singapore after the UK before I flew here and it was overall just a wonderful trip. I realized it was the first time I've really done a full on solo trip where I stayed all by myself and spent majority of my time alone. It was really a time for healing and spending time by myself and reflecting. It was so wonderful, and I really am grateful for this opportunity. I'll get into more detail in another post, but I got to get some K-POP experience here with M, spent a weekend in Jeju with YN, spent a day at a traditional jjimjilbbang with V (where I showered with a bunch of naked ladies wow that was an experience that totally made me question my self-confidence hahaha), and walked around a lot. By walk, I do mean, W A L K. 

Anyhoo, I should get going to my gate to prepare myself to board to head back to the Motherland. It has been quite a hectic 3 months, and I'm so blessed to have been able to do all of these things and travel so much. I'm also grateful to head back home now and get to stay grounded for a little bit. Til I get restless again. 

Til next time. 

May 2018

and i am unemployed. it's a very strange feeling, i would say. To suddenly be unemployed after so long.
So, I had changed my job... I moved from a pretty stable job, I would say. Something, that if I had stayed, might have probably gone somewhere...? Promoted possibly? And I jumped. I jumped at a chance of working for a theatre company - with no prior experience ever. I went in extremely nervous, and I guess understandably so. It was tough. It's really hard going from a place where everybody was ready to lend a helping hand, to a place where everyone had their place and you were trying to fit in and get used to the place. So on April 4th, they told me that this wasn't working out. I had 1 month, and then I would leave.

I cried. I cried really hard. I left the office early that day, and I went to The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, and I cried. I cried everywhere. Wherever I walked, I cried. I'm barely 22 years old. To get retrenched, fired, let go, whatever you want to call it, is the most devastating feeling. I thought these things only happened to old people (or older people)! But i've always been a person who looked for the positives. And also, I surround myself with people who look for the positives. And looking on the bright side helped me get through that one month. I started making travel plans, I sounded out friends for jobs, I did whatever I could to think about my future.

I'm excited for the future, but today was my first official day as an unemployed bum. And I felt so lost. I already have things set in place for me, but the feeling of not going back there is strange and will definitely take some getting used to.

This is definitely a wake up call for me... Now, I get to take a break, chase my dreams and also actively chase God. Which I have been putting off for so long now, I felt that this is also God's way of telling me to go to Him again. It's really hard to constantly listen out for God's voice, but now, more than ever, do I need to do it.


Here's to a better 2018, may it only go uphill from now on.

2018.

Time flies, doesn't it? 

There have been multiple times where I draft out a blog post or 2 in my head, but then never get around to actually writing them. Is it laziness, or fear? I'm not so sure. 

Although, I am glad that Blogger is still around, and I still have this relatively safe space that I call my own on the Internet. I know it's funny thinking why I'm writing all these thoughts out on the Internet when you can do that on a diary as well but sometimes, I find it just so much easier to type everything out rather than writing it down... And I guess there's also the ease of simply typing and deleting typos, thoughts, etc. 

I do have 1 post in my draft I hope to work on soon. And also 2 more in my head. I'll probably put the main key points down as drafts and then come back to it as soon as I can, or when I can find some proper head space to write it all out. 

Til then, we'll do a short recap here: it's been 2 years, I've switched jobs, I've been therapise-d, i'm trying to move on. 

2016

Was it really in 2015 that I last updated?

That's really quite pathetic, isn't it.

I've gone to work now. Full-time job, where I interned at. It's been an interesting and painful ride, but a ride I'll look back on and be thankful that I took. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, and I don't know what to do or where to go but for now, I'm here. And I want to be here 100%.

That's tough - trying to be here 100%. Many times I'm not. Many times, I'm at best 80% here. The other 20%? Trying to struggle to keep up, I guess.

I'm very confused a lot. I often think about what I want to do after this job, but I don't know. I don't know what to do, or where to go, or how to think, and then I just stay here. What if I stay here forever? What if I'll never find a place where I want to be 100% at? That scares the crap out of me. It really does. I never want to live my life only at 80%, and just float through it and then find that I'm 60 years old and full of regrets.

I'm only 20 years old, but I already have a long list of regrets and sad stories. I wish it didn't have to be like that. I wish that I was more positive, and have high hopes for the future and many times, I keep telling people that but I genuinely don't believe it. I don't believe that I can have a bright future. I don't believe that I'll find true happiness. I don't believe that I will find my happy ending.

But at the same time, I don't know what to believe.

Hey There Old Friend

I feel awful that I have not been updating.
I started this blog because I wanted a space to vent, to tell all, to jot down memories (Both significant, and non-significant) but now its become a place I go to only when I want to procrastinate on my work.
That's not good at all, is it?

The last time I updated was the day before the start of my internship. Holy cow, it's been about 3 months, or maybe even slightly more.

A lot has happened in the past few months. I've met a lot of people, faced a lot of new situations. The world is as harsh and cruel as I believed it to be. It's as immature as I expected, and maybe a little more.

Some things still remain constant, though. For example, my feelings towards my cell group.

It's funny. I wrote this whole rant about my feelings toward them but after a few weeks of publishing it, I felt like a coward and then I deleted it. But I still feel the same way. Nothing has changed. I don't know if it will ever change. Or maybe it will, for the worst. No one seems to want to try to resolve it.... And I'm done feeling worried about everybody. There's only so much you can take before you realize that you don't actually belong here.

Perhaps the problem is me. It seems that everyone gets along with each other.... Except for me. I'm the problem.

Perhaps I always have. Not just in cell, but in everywhere else. In family, friends.... It's all the same. I do not belong.

I have always felt that way... That perhaps people are just being polite. That I am also just being polite. Nothing feels right though. I can laugh, talk, smile but I'll never feel comfortable.

Comfort. What a funny word. It's funny to me because I don't think I have ever felt it while I'm here. I don't feel comfortable in any kind of setting here. Maybe I should just leave. Everyone seems to be able to, except for me. I want to, though - leave. I want to leave. I need to leave. I need to find my comfort. I don't even know where that is. But I know it's not here.

Will I ever find my comfort?

Intern

It's been a while. Tomorrow is my first day of intern. To say I'm nervous is an understatement. It's my first experience in an 'office' job doing something that is actually related to my field of study. That's weird. It really is. I'm really growing up.

I am so excited for this! This opportunity honestly was given by God. I'm so blessed, and I am so excited. But at the same time, I'm so nervous and scared. What if I am not competent enough? What if the people there don't like me? What do I do then?

Then I realise that I need to trust in the Lord to help me through this. He has always been there for me, and allowed me to experience new things confidently.
There's something terrible about growing up. It's like you become more scared to try new things. I remember when it was my first day of kindergarten. I waved goodbye to my mother so quickly and dashed into the classroom because I was ready. Well, I wasn't COMPLETELY ready but I knew that I could bravely walk in there and new things would not faze me.

Same with the first day of primary school. I marched into that classroom and put on the biggest smile I had and said hi to the first person I saw. It was all fine.

Then I remember secondary school. It's like when you become older, you become so much more self-conscious about everything around you and the people around you. It's a terrible feeling. I remember feeling so shy and found it difficult to talk to anybody. I had to wait for people to talk to me! It was horrible. It was the same when I entered polytechnic. It's really sad to see that enthusiastic little girl suddenly grown up and afraid to make new friends. It's the worst feeling.

Now, I find myself with another first. I can't let fear get to me. I have to brave this. I will get over the jitters and do a good job. I will do my best at my internship and experience new things head on. I can do this.

Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. [Philippians 4:6-7]